Clearly this is not a good thing, trying to run on just 4 or 5 hours of sleep each night. Even though I do take naps during the day, I don’t like the always-tired-never-rested feeling.

Part of it is the wacky over-hot weather we’re having lately, although it may be cooling somewhat this coming week. Last week was obnoxiously hot too early in the summer heat season.

As noted by someone else on Facebook recently, we (at least in the U.S.) came into adulthood thinking summer is the time for vacations, playtime, enjoying the outdoors, and all the rest. “Summertime is Funtime!”

That’s bullshit. You know why we’re brainwashed to think summer should be fun? It’s because we grew up spending nine months of the year strapped to the academic calendar. And then when school lets out, everybody and their brother are all clamoring into the same tourist spots and theme parks, trying to get away. Every place is over-crowded, everyone is bitching about the damned heat, the mosquitos, the threat of tornadoes and hurricanes, and all those damned strangers getting in our way …. Fuck Summer.

I don’t have youngsters in school. Why should my life continue to be programmed into trying to ‘have fun’ when it’s too damned hot and uncomfortable for that? If I ever have enough money to do a vacation (which I have never in my life done), I won’t do it when everyone else is also trying to get away.

But, anyway … as I was saying, we have had an overly-hot period and it has been interfering with my ability to be comfortable.

Also, my finances are causing me stress, which is no doubt affecting my ability to get a decent night’s sleep.

My rent is current, my utilities are current, and I’m not going hungry. This is better than millions of people, so my suffering is relative. Several years ago, I had a really good year (I think it was 2017) — not only was the rent and utilities and food getting covered, I was able to get a little bit ahead. And then my health went to hell, I was diagnosed as diabetic, and then my aorta needed to be replaced. And then the surgery to replace the aorta left me with a big abdominal hernia that needed to be fixed. So there were medical reasons I wasn’t able to work much in 2020. Plus the pandemic changed just about everything, since a lot of people weren’t working and thus weren’t buying yarns.

Now that I’m getting my health back and I’m able to dye my targeted quota of yarns for each week — not so much that I wear myself out, but enough to maintain a consistent flow of yarns dyed and yarns sold — I am discovering that ‘yarns sold’ is not keeping pace with ‘yarns dyed’. Yarns dyed and ready to ship are again piling up. I’m getting to the point where I fear I may not have the money on hand when it is time to buy more insulin; I’m still trying to get money to buy the new glasses that will improve my vision, at least somewhat until I can afford cataract surgery.

There were several people who provided financial help after my surgeries, and friends who have contributed some here and there along the way as well. I deeply appreciate that. But I have to be able to create my own income as long as my health is allowing me to do so. To the best of my recollection, it’s been over ten years since I have bought anything on credit. The stress of not knowing how much money I will have one month to the next prevents me from creating a debt I don’t know I’ll be able to pay. It is stressful enough just hoping to sell enough yarn to cover monthly expenses. There are things I would like to buy that would make my life a little more pleasant (nicer clothes, better furniture, etc.), but because I won’t create monthly debt to cover it, I do without.

In general, of course, not living on credit is a great thing. I don’t want to create a credit debt for myself. Easier to buy what I can when I can. But I need to have enough income to survive, and I do not want, need, or even like the idea of living on handouts from friends, as much as it has been welcome and very much appreciated when I wasn’t able to create income.

And so, stress interrupts my sleep. A lot. I would like very much to consistently get 6 or 7 hours of sleep each night. I don’t feel bad for a mid-day nap in the hottest part of the day time. But dozing off several times a day is a serious interruption of getting things done.

I will continue to think about ways I can increase my income. And I will look forward to getting enough sleep that I can enjoy being awake and feeling refreshed. 🙂