Today is the first official day of winter, and it is projected to be cool-ish. It is 48ºF at the moment, might reach 60ºF sometime later, 20% change of precipitation but mostly just cloudy (i.e., “ugly”). Donna is going to pick me up to hit Kroger sometime this morning, but not sure when. I’ve been basically awake since about 1:30. Yuck.

Morning finger-stick was only 113. Could be better, but could be worse.

Later today I’m going to bring out some art supplies. I don’t know what I hope to accomplish, but I have a feeling I will find out once I start doodling. I’m going crazy not being productive in the way I want to be productive.

Later — Okay, so I managed to sorta-kinda pretend ‘sleep’ a little bit, but I was up and showered and shaved before 6:00. Donna arrived around 9:00, we got to Kroger and made groceries. I started hurting about half-way through the store, long before I actually said anything. But we were only in there 30, maybe 40 minutes (Saturday morning shoppers, everyone has to show up in the store and get in my way). Anyway, I got a bunch of stuff, nearly all of it was on my list, so impulse buying or time-wasting.

At various times in my growing-up years I could have been called ‘food insecure’, not sure when (or if) the next meal was coming. And, post-divorce when money was very lean, I had no choice but to budget and eat consciously. And so for most of my life I have just become accustomed to going to market 2-3 times a week, getting ‘just enough’. Here in Houston, of course, this has worked out well, as going to market and getting a bag or two of stuff meant I was getting regular fresh air, sunshine, and exercise.

Since I’ve gotten sick, however, my trips to market are when I can get a ride there and back. And I have (perhaps subconsciously, in some cases) started buying more than what I need for just the next few days. Like buying two bags of coffee instead of one. Buying an extra loaf of bread for the freezer. And so on. I have LOTS of healthy snack crackers, granola bars, and canned goods. Gobs of tuna and sardines, too. And sliced cheeses for nibbling.

I feel like a hoarder, just looking at it all. It is all, or nearly all, things I actually do eat. But therein lies part of the problem. Now that I am doing the glucose monitoring and learning how to balance the protein, carbs, and fats, I find myself bored to tears with what I have, or just ‘not hungry’, even when I know it is time to be eating something to maintain my health. I need to be eating several smaller meals spread throughout the day, and I just don’t feel like it. I read the other day that one of the effects of diabetes is damage to the vagus nerve that controls the feeling of fullness and hunger (just like out-of-control diabetes fucks up so many other organs in the body). I have to force myself to eat sometimes. That’s not good. I DO eat, of course, but sometimes without much enthusiasm.

I know it will all come together and it will become second nature. For now, though, it’s just another level of frustration as I try to get my body working again. I hate this process.