but I really don’t have much choice — yarn sales aren’t keeping up the pace.

So I applied for early retirement Social Security.   I don’t know how long it takes to get approved or if I’ll have to jump through more hoops or whatever.   What I DO know is that every little bit helps.  Just today I went to make groceries and only could afford barely half a granny cart.  Don’t worry, I WILL be eating, but it will be canned beans (black beans and garbanzo beans), plus salads, some meat, and some frozen vegetables.  All basic healthy stuff.  No junk foods, no snack foods, no frozen dinner/prepared meals.

I could have applied when I turned 62 last November, but part of me has been avoiding it because to apply for retirement benefits means I’m getting old.  And that’s a hard thing for me.  And it’s a hard thing for me to admit that what I am making now just is not cutting it.   I’ve been on my own without an “employer” for 11 years, and it’s getting harder to keep up on my own.

Seriously… it is really fucking with my head to think of it, but I really don’t have much choice but to accept early retirement benefits.   I will still have to keep dyeing yarn, or find some other thing for making money, because the projected monthly benefits will just barely cover the rent.  And that will relieve a lot of the monthly stress, of course, but I will still need to eat and cover utility bills and so forth, so I’ll have to keep dyeing yarn or doing something.

Part of me feels like a bit of a failure that I can’t keep doing what I’ve been doing.  I know that’s irrational — everyone gets old and has to step aside.  And I’ve worked most of my adult life, and there is a record with the Social Security Administration that I am entitled to a certain amount.  It’s not like I’m begging for welfare or food stamps.

On the other hand, knowing that (if my application is approved) I’ll be getting some extra money each month, I might be able to focus on creativity and inspiration instead of stressing about selling selling selling to make a few bucks all the time.   Seriously, it is incredibly stressful!   And I’ll be able to get a couple teeth pulled, new glasses, maybe a new pair of shoes ….maybe take a trip into town to see the museums… who knows?

I don’t know how long it takes to process the application, so I don’t know exactly when I’ll start getting any benefits.  But today, when I clicked that “submit application” button, I knew my life changed.