Super Frustrated

Ray Whiting -- Posted on by

Over and over again on Facebook, state after state is posting their current COVID-19 surges. Roughly 95% of the current hospitalizations and deaths are people who were not vaccinated.

What The Fuck, people?? The vaccines are FREE.

Again today, a relative shared that a friend of theirs (someone I’ve never heard of) died from COVID-19, saying “they got their wings today.” I went to that other person’s page and found bunches of posts requesting prayers for that person and their family, along with posts mocking the vaccines.

What is wrong with people? The information is available, but some folks listen to bullshit-spewing idiots claiming the pandemic is a hoax, the vaccines don’t work, and all sots of other conspiracy theory bullshit.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want this disease (or any other) to kill people. It’s a horrible way to die and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, no matter their beliefs. They are still human and deserve a healthy life. But I am finding it hard to muster up a lot of sympathy for people who willfully choose to not avail themselves of a FREE vaccine because of some bullshit excuse spouted by some ignorant talking head on TV.

Obviously I’m not going to go up to someone who lost a spouse or family member and ask, “Well, did they get the vaccine??” That’s just rude and doesn’t help their present grief. I’m sorry for their loss, and I know they will be going through the grieving process which is sad.

But I have to confess I don’t feel a whole lot of sad. Just like when someone is speeding down the freeway at 90 mph and end up in a wreck, or when people today (with today’s incredible accessible information) choose to have unprotected sex with strangers, and end up with one or another infectious disease. Yeah, it sucks, but it was a CHOICE. It totally sucks when people have to bear the consequence of their own choice.

When deliberately unvaccinated people get sick or die, that is the consequence of their choice. And at this stage of the pandemic, there is really no excuse for making such an ignorant and ill-informed choice.

Does that make me cruel and insensitive and uncaring? I don’t think so. But other people might have different opinions. They’d be wrong, of course, but they’re entitled to their own opinions.

Am I dying? Or just melting?

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What the hell? It’s obnoxiously hot. Yes, yes, I know — this is southeast Texas in August.

But it is gawd-awful hot.

I had a minor panic this morning. Last Wednesday I went to get a cortisone shot and to leave some urine and blood samples in the lab to be done before I can see my endocrinologist to discuss my diabetes and whatever other issues he see in my labs. So in my online chart with the clinic I can view all lab results, so I went to check — omg there were results from tests ordered by the urologist but I didn’t see any lab results for the endo. I had such difficulty with my clinic visits already, because the orthopedist cancelled two weeks in a row before getting me in last week. If I didn’t get the labs done that day I’d have to pay out of pocket for transport to the lab again.

So I was freaking out about not having the right labs done. I sent a message to the endo’s office asking them to check that my endo labs were also completed, else I’d have to do it next month and thus delay my visit to the endo for sometime after the labs were done. The nurse in the endo’s office messaged back and said the labs WERE all done and were just waiting for the endo to review before letting them post to my online chart.

That gave me some peace of mind. And probably silly of me to get worked up about it. But I do get worked up about things when things are not as I had expected. I don’t handle change well, but when I know there are changes I can usually manage to flow with it. From The Big Book: “My serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations.” Boy, ain’t that the truth. Between the crappy hot weather, my body feeling like shit, not getting enough sleep, and not nearly enough money even for just the basics, my serenity and my expectations have been in constant battle lately. I want to just chill but it’s not easy when I neeeeeed to be making more money.

On the other side, though, I was just sent a little money for a very do-able custom job that can be done this week. That’s nice.

And it helps to remember that good things DO happen even when my life feels like shit. It’s been almost 30 years since I was in an ACoA meeting (Adult Children of Alcoholics), and much of the 12-Step philosophy as a whole is just bullshit (especially the “Higher Power” stuff), there were some lessons that really stuck with me, and I am grateful I can draw on those lessons.

COVID-19 is changing me

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I have been good and (mostly) diligent in trying to follow all the public health protocols to keep myself and others safe from the virus — masking, distancing, vaccination.

It is discouraging and depressing that so many people have actively chosen not to take the vaccine now that it has been available for virtually anyone who wants it. And even more depressing that deaths and hospitalizations are again on the increase because of pure stupidity on the part of too many people.

I had considered going to Kroger later this morning. I decided not to, but instead put in another order for delivery. It is more expensive that way, including the delivery charge ($9.95) plus 15% tip for the shopper. But taking a Lyft so I can do my own shopping can sometimes cost even more, since the Lyft charges fluctuate and I always tip the drivers, so it’s “six of one, half dozen of the other.” I don’t mind paying for that service, as it keeps me out of public circulation and helps someone else make some money. On the other hand, of course, it means I’m not wandering the aisles filling my cart with things that aren’t on my list. 🙂

But it also means I am not walking to/from Kroger, which isn’t a good thing. I have trouble taking a walk just to be taking a walk. I need a destination or a reason to be walking somewhere. Walking to/from Kroger was just part of doing what needed to be done, but I wouldn’t walk it just to be walking. It is depressing to notice the ways that my body has changed over the years, especially since the Big Surgery. And the onset of the pandemic occurred within days of the Big Surgery, so while my recovery was moving forward, the rest of the world was closing down, so I didn’t really have much reason to be going places.

Now, having said all that, I DO generally feel better and somewhat more able than I felt a year ago, so my recovery continues, and I know I need to increase my level of activity. While I’m not walking distances, I do sometimes turn on Radio Garden and listen to music from all over. I particularly like Bollywood Punjabi radio for dancing as I work — no particular dance moves, but just moving my arms and legs and body to the music. It’s all exercise, right? (Radio Garden is amazing! http://radio.garden/listen/bollywood-punjabi-radio/NWQCPIx6)

Today I will be making yarns ready to dye, and tomorrow I’ll have a dye session.

My thumb is still hurting a bit from the trigger joint, but not as bad as before the cortisone. Last time it took a few weeks before I got my full range of motion in my thumb, so I’m trying to be patient about it. I really want to get back to the projects that have been waiting for me to be able to knit and crochet. Hard to feel like doing it when doing so makes my thumb hurt.

Onward into the day I go.

Another Month Gone By?

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Well, it would appear a month has gone by without a post from me. At the end of July, my WordPress got corrupted. After several days of the tech support team working on it, they finally pulled a restore from another server, which allowed me access once again, but in doing so it wiped out my posts after July 4. I don’t even remember what I posted about.

My trigger thumb came back and yesterday I was finally able to get in to see the dr. for another cortisone shot. I had been scheduled for two weeks ago, but the dr. called in sick so I rescheduled for last week but he was again not seeing patients in person, so it was moved to yesterday.

Today the thumb is less sore, less stiff. Last time it took 3-4 weeks to regain full mobility. I hope it doesn’t take that long this time. If the problem returns in another 5 or 6 months I will probably request the surgery where they go in and do some sort of release to allow the tendon to do what it should and fix it permanently.

While I was at the clinic for the ortho dr., I was able to visit the lab for blood/urine samples. I’ll see the endocrinologist in a couple weeks to see how my diabetes and other issues are doing.

In general the last month or two has been incredibly stressful for me — sales have been down, money has been getting tighter and I’m starting to feel like I did several years ago — stuck, poor, limited, and insecure about the future. It’s not a good feeling, and in some ways that feeling of ‘stuckness’ has affected my eating habits and other choices I’ve been making. Not always the best choices, either, which makes me feel bad, which leads to more poor choices.

I could fill a dumpster with so much stuff that I really should get rid of. I know I’ve talked about it, and thought about it even more, but it is ridiculous to hold on to things I don’t need and most likely will never use. There are boxes in the closet filled with things that I packed when I left New Orleans. I think the sheer volume of “stuff” is intimidating to me. I need a plan of action so I can sift and sort my shit in a rational manner.

I am incredibly disappointed in how this country is handling COVID-19. Once the vaccines came out it looked like we were going in the right direction, but there are soooo fucking many anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers and now the Delta variant is sweeping the country. Virtually all the hospitalizations and deaths are among those who chose not to get vaccinated, and many of them STILL say they won’t take the shot and don’t give a shit about masking or distancing. It’s crazy, but as for me I am not about to change and go mingling with people any time soon. I don’t understanding the thinking behind people not wanting to do even the smallest things that might help protect themselves and (more importantly) the more vulnerable among us. It’s just crazy.

And now we know…

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On Friday I had hoped to prep the yarns and get at least some of them dyed.

It didn’t work out that way. I got the yarns prepped but didn’t dye them until yesterday. Usually I do 24 in a session, done in two batches of 12 each batch. This time I did 30 in three batches of 10 each. I don’t know if it was because I didn’t get much sleep, or maybe the Texas heat and humidity, or I didn’t get enough to eat along the way, or maybe my body is just more easily worn out — whatever, it took me all day to get it done. And after each batch was done steaming I took an hour-long nap.

Later into the evening I was able to get the kitchen cleared and undraped, so that’s good. This morning I need to wash and rinse the yarns and get them photographed on the racks, and get the Knitivity Insider mailing posted, and then post pictures to Facebook. Later today, but probably tomorrow, I will need a day to recover and rest. None of these tasks are particularly horrid, but they do add up and I do get tired.

Soooo…. I got busy into the day. Soon as I showered and shaved, I got the yarns into the wash and rinse, took my walk, came back and hung the yarns to start drying. Because of the rainy forecast, the yarns spent most of the day hanging in the fan room. Then I had to edit the rack pictures and get them posted, along with sending out the Knitivity Insider announcement, and then posting to Facebook.

It was after lunchtime that I got to actually eat, and didn’t have a whole lot to choose from. Had a decent supper of a weird sort of chicken soup or stew thing. I started with a couple chicken breasts boiling in a quart and a half of chicken broth (boxed) for about an hour, then shredded the chicken. Then I added in about half a bag of mirepoix, a couple teaspoons garlic powder, a can of cream style corn, a can of black beans (rinsed), a can of diced tomatoes, and let that all simmer for a half hour or so. Then I added a can of condensed cream of chicken and mushroom soup, and about an ounce of shaved cheddar cheese, and simmered another 15 minutes or so. It came out more bland than I expected, but I like bland so it’s okay. Had two bowls of that. I wouldn’t serve it for company, but it’s edible and fairly balanced.

I almost forgot I’d started this post early this morning, and only just now remembered to come and finish it as I’m heading off to bed very soon. All the neighborhood is alive with fireworks, but I feel sleepy enough that it shouldn’t bother me.

Can I do it?

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Had an unusually good night’s sleep. It was just at 10:30 as I went off to bed, and nearly 5:30 when I woke and wandered to the kithchen. Whoa! I don’t remember anything beyond pulling the covers over myself. I also don’t remember any dreams that I may have had. But I do feel somewhat rested, so I’ll take it.

I got new yarns in last night. They are marked as the same fiber content and yardage from the same mill as the base for Phydlbitz Sock, but they do feel slightly different. I’m going to label them as Phydlbitz II just to differentiate, but it is basically the same stuff. Or maybe Phydlbitz Too. I dunno.

I’m thinking if I can survive the day, I can prep the yarns this morning and even get them dyed today, at least the first batch. That’ll be a full day for me, definitely. I’m hurting for funds, so I really can’t lollygag around this weekend — need to dye the yarns and make some money. I have utility bills, plus I have to pay for prescriptions, plus a couple co-pays for specialist visits and lab work coming ahead this month. UGH!!!

Had a nice (but brief) Facebook chat with one of my granddaughters. I’d love to spend time with her, but she’s working crazy lots of hours lately. I haven’t seen her since my Big Surgery. Actually I haven’t seen any of my other grands (except my grandson) since long before that.

Well, if I’m going to accomplish anything today, I should get my insulin and breakfast and get moving, eh?

An idle day?

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I have the claimed yarns packed for shipping, and photographed the rest for the Blog Reader Specials page.

Later today I should get a short order of pre-hanked Phydlbitz Sock base yarn.

I am struggling with a problem that I don’t know how to fix. My body is getting to where I can pretty well produce a regular collection of yarns each week. The problem is that they aren’t selling as quickly as I can make them, which is discouraging to me — why make more if what I’ve already done isn’t selling? I know that isn’t entirely rational, but also not entirely unreasonable, either.

I know that for most weeks, I can produce 24 skeins, and I could probably do even 30 in a week. Dyeing 30 in a week, and then actually selling 30 in a week, would be wonderful, as it would enable me to keep up with my expenses and have some measure of cushion for the weeks when I can’t produce as much — either for health concerns or for the inevitable disruptive weather we have here.

There are a couple of essays or pieces that have been rolling in my head, but I’m having trouble wrapping my head around how to write them. That annoys me, because what’s in my head keeps nagging at me. I should probably just get a pad and start writing. Sometimes writing on the keyboard isn’t effective, and talking to the keyboard is clumsy even if I had the best text-to-type software (which I used to have but can no longer afford).

I have also thought about just having a Morning Coffee video, talking at the camera when I first get up and have my coffee. I’m not sure that would be super effective either. But it’s a possibility, since I have a ring light and pretty good video editing software. I’m not sure I’m ready for doing live video. In this age of young people dominating the instant video market, I’m not sure anyone wants to listen to an old man sucking coffee and blurting out whatever comes to mind. Especially since I’m not a “social influencer” and don’t push fashion, food, or fame; indeed, I’m usually shirtless with my first 3 or 4 cups of coffee. 🙂

The day moves on. BigBoy has been fed, I’ve had my morning fluffy eggs and meds. There are some domestic chores I should take care of, while I ponder how to move yarns out the door.

Morning thoughts

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Texas heat is slacking — Pacific Northwest is sweltering with extreme record-breaking heat, while the local forecast for my area is that we won’t even hit 80º today — cooler than we’ve had lately and much, much cooler than what my friends in Oregon are experiencing. And just like we are ill-equipped for long stretches of freezing weather, people up in the PNW aren’t accustomed to the kind of heat they are now having. I heard that only about 25% of homes have air conditioning up there. When it gets warm up there people just open windows and turn on the fans.

As for me personally, the local heat wave we have had is definitely draining and exhausting. I set out to dye yarns on Saturday, but having done the first batch I was seriously wiped out and couldn’t do the second batch. I woke early yesterday and did the second batch, and then it was several hours before I could muster up the ‘ooomph’ to wash out the jars and squirt bottles, or throw a load of dye mop towels into the washer. It just takes longer for me to recover after a dye session. I think part of it is simply aging, but probably most of it is the weather.

I was able to get about five-and-a-half hours of sleep last night. It doesn’t feel like enough, but it’s more than I’d gotten for the several nights just prior to this weekend.

So much hatred

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Wow.

So, I didn’t get a lot of sleep — from about 11:00 until just after 3:00. I was awake for a good while, but went back to bed before 5:30 and slept until just at 7:00.

The dream I had! Whoa!!!
I was living in a friend’s home, paying rent, along with some others who were also paying rent. And we all got along as roommates, I guess. We’d all apparently been living there a good while, each having our own space and our own ways of doing things on our own as well as contributing to the general pleasantness of a shared housing situation.

Then suddenly a young person moved in – a blonde, smooth-skinned (i.e., no body hair to speak of), slender, know-it-all, manipulative, self-centered, sonofabitch — basically an obnoxious little twink of a queen, in his very-early 20s, with soooo very much to learn about reality.

He hadn’t been there more than a week or two and was suddenly making changes all through the house. Little things, but annoying things. If anyone said anything it was defended as “just trying to make things better.”

It all came to a head one day when I was trying to work on something that I really needed to see, and I realized this young little twerp had removed three of the four bulbs from the overhead light fixture. I asked why, and he gave some excuse about “saving money.” I explained that I needed light to see what I was doing. I wasn’t demanding every light in the house be turned on 24/7, just the light in the room where I was working and while I was working.

He blabbered on about “there’s plenty of light already for me to see.”

I turned back and said, “You’re young and have strong eyes, but I’m older and my eyes aren’t able to take in enough light and I need extra light to see my work.”

He said, “Well, that’s what the flashlight on your phone is for.” Oh, the arrogance!!

I again explained that my eyes weren’t as efficient as they were in my youth, and that I (and the others) had accommodated each other just fine until he showed up.

And then he popped up with, “But you’re just a guest here.”

I said, “What the fuck?? I pay rent here to use the facilities that are available, just like all the other people here you’ve been pissing off with your shenanigans.”

I Was Fucking LIVID!!!!!

And then a woke up. UGH.

Another Sizzler!

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When I went to bed last night (around 10:30p.m.), it was 82º, felt like 95º, and the humidity was 85%. When I woke this morning just after 4:00a.m., it was 81º, felt like 92º, and the humidity was 82%. Even now, I’ve been up close to two hours, and it feels none better. Just a moment ago, the a/c finally shut off. UGH.

I have some work to do this morning, and then some other work to do this afternoon. I’ll be on my feet a lot, spending most of the day on the skein-winder. I’m not sure that would officially count as exercise, but I can move about (“dance”?) as I work. And it is mostly brainless work, just routine physical labor to get things done, so it’s okay.

Well…. time to shower and shave and get into the day as best I can. Since I don’t have errands to run I don’t have to over-dress, which is a plus in my book. 🙂