Late last night I got a message about Friday’s blood test results — my kidney function is improving but I still need to continue to drink two quarts of water every day to continue bringing the numbers down. Apparently if the kidneys can’t flush the contrast dye before the CT scan, I could end up in permanent renal failure and be on dialysis forever. Fuck that shit. I’ll drink as much water as I must.

It’s only just barely after 3:30 as I write this. I went to bed just after 10:00, woke nearly every hour or so to pee, but went back to bed each time. At some point it just felt futile to try for more sleep. I will likely nap later today. Or maybe just go back to bed in a couple hours.

I have to remind myself that being sick is not a moral failure. Just like in the 80s when people would discount people with AIDS, because “they brought it on themselves”, it is unkind, unfair, and unjust to blame people for all the various ways their bodies fail. Certainly I could have taken better care of my body along the way, but how many non-diabetics even hear about diabetes management or prevention? Or what might people do to prevent getting this or that kind of cancer? Or society doesn’t seem equipped (or willing?) to actually pay attention to all the various prevention measures. And, some bodies are different and simply can’t control certain things.

I have no idea why my body changed in a way that I don’t produce or process insulin the right way. Things change with age, and most people just believe themselves to be invincible. We’re not. Shit happens. I just need to remember that the shit that happens to me is not a moral failure. It’s part of our shared human frailty.

O’course, that means I may need to rethink how I have perceived the health situations of others in my life, particularly those who I may have deemed ‘deserving’ of their health shit, or that they brought it on themselves.

UGH! It’s too early in the morning to be thinking so deeply. 🙁

finger-stick at 4:35 – 118.

Later – went back to bed and got a couple more hours of sleep, still trying to wake up again.

Between last night when I originally went to bed and this morning now, I must have gone pee 8 or 10 times already. I know it’s (likely) because I’m drinking so much water, and it all has to come out, but this business of constantly having to pee is getting ridiculous.

And I just realized that, assuming the colonoscopy is still on for Friday, today starts 5 days without any aspirin or ibuprofen or any other NSAIDs. They want to see any inflammation in the intestine, so I can’t have any anti-inflammatory drugs that would hide or mask any inflammation. And, of course, both my right hip AND right knee are giving me grief when I try to walk. Oh goodie. 🙁

I have a few things I need to do today, and things to do tomorrow to get ready for Tuesday. But no major plans, just mostly getting myself ready for Tuesday.