You just never know
Yesterday was Easter Sunday. I’m not an Easter sort of person, but no doubt the day will have unusual connections in the future.
Someone I have known practically since the day I moved to Texas took his own life yesterday. We weren’t particularly close, in the way people count close relationships, but he was always present in the neighborhood, always had pleasant exchanges and so forth, and I knew a large part of his extended family as well. My daughter and her husband are long-time ‘as-good-as-family’ with them.
I first new something was wrong around mid-late-morning when I heard sirens in the area that seemed to stop right on my block. I looked out the window to see 2 ambulances and 4 or 5 sheriff or constable cars and loads of first-responders milling about going in and out of the house across the street, talking to individuals who lived there. I knew one of the family members (K) has had serious health issues for years, and I was afraid the sirens were for him. Turned out he was the one who found his brother (J), who I didn’t know if he had health issues or not.
I didn’t know until another brother (L) and his wife pulled in and parked in my driveway which brother it was, and then the wife said, “He hung himself.” I was stunned. Seriously just stunned.
For my part, I’m not directly involved and his passing isn’t personal to me. Obviously my heart goes out to his family for their loss.
A question that nearly always comes up is “Why?” I don’t know if he left any sort of note, or if maybe the family has more insight into his state of mind. None of my business, really. But I know that a lot of times, the initial explanations that come forth aren’t the real why, but symptoms of the underlying why, which may never be known.
Is suicide ever a legitimate choice? Of course it is. And the reasons are as varied as the number of people who choose it. Sometimes there is a mental health issue that can be treated, and people on the brink of suicide can find a way forward through treatment. In other situations, ending one’s life is a personal choice with dignity after a life of suffering. I don’t believe suicide is always wrong or bad or shameful or otherwise negative. Some people simply have enough of this life.
For me, personally, unless I die of some other cause first, I will probably end my life on my own terms. When I am unable to live on my own and would become a burden on someone else, I would rather not do that. It has nothing to do with despondency or pain or something — it’s just a choice not to be a burden to others if I lose my independence.
I’ve been thinking about what you wrote for a while. The obvious conversation is about suicide, and the realities of that. I’ve had two people in my life seriously consider suicide in the last several years. One was a twenty something client, who, when I got wind of his intentions, called his case manager immediately who got him help and treatment. Fortunately that ended ok, but it shook me up badly for a while. It is like looking over the edge of a cliff and watching someone fall, even though you have no intention of jumping yourself.
The other was a friend who was dealing with depression and made public the desire to end their life by suicide. I was the first to find that out, and frantically tried to reach out to professional help for this person. Once there was help available, they took it, much to my relief. Knowing I was on the verge of losing someone, and might not be able to get help fast enough was one of the worst feelings of my life. Despite the fact this person lives quite some distance from me, they are still an important and valued part of my life, and I am grateful to this day that they are part of it.
It is difficult to comprehend the possibility of losing both of these people, primarily (as far as I understand it) to untreated depression. That distresses me, because I hate to see people succumb to something that is treatable.
Having said that, I firmly believe in assisted suicide for when a terminal illness has reached a point where someone decides they’ve had enough, and wants the dignity to stop before the illness gets worse.
The bigger question for me, is not just about suicide, but about the chasm between what the public sees, and what is actually going on. I spent the early part of my life trying to maintain a public facade of “everything’s wonderful” when I was being tormented and frankly abused by people with significant substance abuse problems, and likely severe mental illness, neither of which was acknowledged, much less treated.
Bridging that chasm and trying to process and accept the damage that came from the chasm between the two has been a struggle for me, but I think it’s critical to not letting the bad triumph. Lately I wonder if too many people are losing the ability, or the willingness, to look past the facade of our public personalities. As a society, I hope we find better ways to heal the internal, instead of just plastering on a facade.
I hope “J” is at peace, which seems a lame thing to say, but I don’t know how to equate how choosing to end his presumed misery offsets the pain his family is now having to deal with.
My condolences to the family.